Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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