Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
