i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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