Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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