Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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