hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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