I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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