It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
this will be a night to untag.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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