Where did you get a picture of my penis
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
