Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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