R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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