His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
