No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
