So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
