i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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