I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
