you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
