I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
