I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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