Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
