you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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