Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
