Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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