i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
what day is it and did you see me today?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
