Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Pants are for mortals
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
