if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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