And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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