i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
