Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
