If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
not ubering you a puppy
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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