i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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