Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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