my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
