nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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