handjob tips. give me some.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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