I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
