you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
