she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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