in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
