i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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