I look better un-naked...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
