The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Randomize
