If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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