You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
