I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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