i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
