Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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