There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
