I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
A bitchslap is in order.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
