My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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