also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
